Before you read this review on The Invasion, read my review on Invasion by Dr. Robin Cook. Note the number of stars that Dr. Cook’s book received. Then come back here and take a guess what this movie will receive.

“But!” you may argue, “this is a movie with Nicole Kidman! And totally different.” Poppycock, I say.

This, like Invasion, was a bad adaptation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which in its time was an outstanding shock sci-fi film. Trying to make it more modern, whether you use modern medicine or Nicole Kidman, is an exercise in futility.

The movie also gets the “yuck” factor going, with the preferred method of passing the alien lifeform from host to host being vomit. Yes, vomit. In drinks, in many cases.

There were some interesting points, such as the scene with the person falling from the roof. Those who cried out were seen as normal humans. Those who showed no emotions were obviously part of the hive of vomit spewing infected.

But, just like Invasion by Dr. Robin Cook, the movie ends so abruptly it’s silly. Suddenly a cure is found, it’s spread all over by the world, and everyone smiles and forgets about the dead in the streets, the vomit they drank, etc.

Fin.

While I was watching O Brother, Where Art Thou? for the umpteenth time (what can I say, it’s a great movie), I couldn’t help but notice some resemblance between the campaigns of the movie and the campaigns of the 2008 Democratic primaries. In the movie, we have incumbent Governor Menelaus ‘Pappy’ O’Daniel (Charles Durning) against Gubernatorial Candidate Homer Stokes (Wayne Duvall), with Pappy being the hardline conservative and Stokes being the “sweep the state clean” progressive liberal.

In addition, we’ve got the three main characters, Ulysses Everett McGill (George Clooney), Pete (John Turturro), and Delmar O’Donnel (Tim Blake Nelson) as prison escapees, con artists, and adventurers, trying to outrun the devil, make some money, and seek a non-existent treasure.

In the midst of all this, we have some mighty fine quotes, which I’d like to place here, except I’ll be striking out names and placing modern political names instead to show you the similarities.

Ulysses Everett McGill Barack Obama: “Well, all right. If we take off through that bayou…”
Pete Hillary Clinton: “Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?”
Everett Barack Obama: “Well, Pete Hillary, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain’t the concensus view, then hell, let’s put it to a vote.”
Pete Hillary Clinton: “Suits me! I’m votin’ for yours truly.”
Everett Barack Obama: “Well, I’m votin’ for yours truly, too.”
Delmar John Edwards: “Okay, I’m with you fellas.”

Lawman Wolf Blitzer: “All right, boys.”
Everett John Edwards: “Uhh, how’s my hair?”

Pete Mitt Romney: “Well I’ll be a sonofabitch. Delmar’s Huckabee’s been saved.”
Delmar Mike Huckabee: “Well that’s it, boys. I’ve been redeemed. The preacher’s done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It’s the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting’s my reward.”
Everett John McCain: “Delmar, what are you talking about? We’ve got bigger fish to fry.”
Delmar Mike Huckabee: “The preacher said all my sins is warshed away, including that Piggly Wiggly I knocked over in Yazoo felon’s sentence I commuted for donations.”
Everett John McCain: “I thought you said you was innocent of those charges?”
Delmar Mike Huckabee: “Well I was lyin’. And the preacher said that that sin’s been warshed away too. Neither God nor man’s got nothin’ on me now. C’mon in boys, the water is fine.”

Junior O’Daniel (Del Pentecost) Bill Clinton: “Well, ain’t you gonna press the flesh, Pappy Hillary? Do a little politickin’?”
Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton: “I’ll press your flesh, you dimwhitted sumbitch. You don’t tell your pappy wife how to court the electorate. We ain’t one-at-a-timin’ here. We’re mass communicatin’!”

Delmar Howard Wolfson: “I just don’t think it’s right keeping him under wraps like we was ashamed of him.”
Everett Hillary Clinton: “Well, if it is Pete, I am ashamed of him. The way I see it, he got what he deserved. Fornicating with some whore of Babylon. These things don,t happen for no reason, Delmar Howard. It’s obviously some kind of judgement on Pete’s Bill’s character.”
Delmar Howard Wolfson: “Well, the two of us was fixin’ to fornicate.”

Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “We need a shot in the arm. You hear me boys? In the Goddamn arm! Election held tomorrow, that son of bitch Stokes Obama would win it in a walk!”
Junior O’Daniel Bill Clinton: “Well’ he’s the reform candidate, Daddy honey.”
Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “Yeah.”
Junior O’Daniel Bill Clinton: “A lot of people like that reform. Maybe we should get us some.”
Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “I’ll reform you, you soft-headed son of a bitch. How we gonna run reform when we’re the damn incumbent? Is that the best idea you boys can come up with? Reform?! Weepin’ jesus on the cross. That’s it! You may as well start drafting my concession speach right now.”
Pappy’s Staff Howard Wolfson: “Okay, Pappy Hillary.”
Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “I’m just making a point you stupid son of a bitch. Give me back that hat! Hurry up!”
Pappy’s Staff Howard Wolfson: “Pappy’s Hillary’s just makin’ a point.”
Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “Shut up!”

Homer Stokes Barack Obama: “The great state of Mississippi USA can not afford four more years of Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton. Four more years of cronyism! Nepotism! Rascalism! Of service to the interests!”

Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “It’s a problem of…”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “Perception.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “That’s right.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “The reason he’s pullin’ our pants down.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “Gonna paddle a little behind.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “Ain’t gonna paddle it. Gonna kick it, real hard.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “No, I believe he’s gonna paddle it.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “I don’t believe that’s a proper description.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “Well, that’s how I’d characterize it.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “I believe it’s more of a kickin’ situation.”

Vernon T. Waldrip David Axelrod: “I can’t switch sides in the middle of a campaign. Especially to work for a man woman who lacks moral fiber.”
Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton: “Moral fiber? Why, you little pasty-face sumbitch. I invented moral fiber! Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton was displaying rectitude and high-mindedness when that egghead you work for was still messing his drawers!”

Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton: “Yeah, well, you’ll be laughing out the other side of your face come November.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Howard Wolfson: “Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton will be laughing then.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Mark Penn: “Not out the other side of his her face, though.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Howard Wolfson: “Oh, no, no, no. Just the regular side.”

Please note, of course, that none of the above quotes are truly attributed to any real life personages; they are simply a parody on quotes from O Brother Where Art Thou and the perceived actions of people on the campaign trail. In a nutshell, it’s satire.

The Other Boleyn Girl is an adaptation of the infamous story of Henry VIII (I am, I am), his betrayal of Catherine of Eragon, and love affairs with Mary and Anne Boleyn. Unfortunately the plot itself is the best part of this movie and that is history, not screenwriting.

Natalie Portman plays Anne Boleyn, an ambitious, catty, and conniving daughter of a desperate man. Her sister Mary is played by Scarlett Johansson, a more innocent, better looking, and simple woman who unfortunately catches the King’s (Eric Bana) interest first. Her highly ambitious family, particularly her father played by Mark Rylance and the Duke of Norfolk played by David Morrissey (quite well actually), decides that she must become mistress to the King and bear him a son in order to lift their family into the good graces of the court. Unfortunately, Anne Boleyn is not happy about this, is exiled to France, and comes back with loads of knowledge regarding the art of backstabbing. She finds her sister nearly ready to give birth to Henry’s heir, and seduces him before the baby arrives.

That’s about a quarter to halfway through the movie. The rest of the movie is spent showing Anne Boleyn trying to get pregnant, a family scheming the sexual use of their daughters in such a way that would make the Womynist froth at the mouth, and a King who can’t decide who to get it on with next. Culminating, of course, in Anne asking her brother to have sex with her after losing the King’s child and their subsequent beheadings.

In the end I thought that Anne Boleyn got what was coming to her. I felt bad for Mary Boleyn due to the betrayals of both the King and her sister. And I felt bad for her brother George (played by Jim Sturgess from Across the Universe), who stood with his sisters the whole time, was asked to do something unthinkable, did not do it, and still lost his head. But then, I knew I would feel this way about them because again, this is history. Somewhat.

I’ll just say it like it is: the movie dragged on. To me it was more like a soap opera than a movie, and seemed to go from scene to scene without resolving or doing much. Each scene felt very predictable, and the passage of time was shown rather badly; years go by between some scenes, yet the characters do not develop at all. Intuition of course tells us that a baby takes months to be born, not minutes, yet the movie makes us feel like it was a one day affair instead of depicting the transition properly.

As a soap opera it was outstanding. As an epic it falls short tremendously. As far as historical movies go it was fair, but mostly because the plotline is a no-brainer: sex, lies, beheadings. How can one go wrong?

Readers rejoice, you finally get to put this series to a close. The Sword of Truth series has stretched over a collection of 11 books, some short, some long, some biblical. Throughout the entire series, Terry Goodkind has been more than happy to regale the reader with all his views on life, politics, religion, and anything else about which he feels strongly. As another reviewer mentions, Terry Goodkind has become very preachy. He has designed his main character, Richard Rahl, to be a moral and political powerhouse as well as a powerful and confident fighter. I imagine Richard Rahl to look something like Terry Goodkind, who you can see on the back of his books: a stony-faced strongman who could probably roundhouse Chuck Norris at least once or twice.

In Confessor, the series comes together, culminating in the not-so-epic final battle between Emporer Jagang, Richard Rahl, the Sisters of the Light, Sisters of the Dark, and the Mord Sith (women in red leather that love to cause pain). But we will get to the ending in a bit.

Most of the book is a play by play of Richard Rahl doing one of two things: trying to make eye contact with his wife Kahlan, and trying to win at Ja’La (a game like football but bloodier and more complex). His supporters run all over trying to find him, keep the People’s Palace safe, and unravel a Chainfire spell that has taken everyone’s memory of Richard’s wife away, including her own. As usual there are pages and pages of pseudo-scientific reasoning behind very plot-friendly spells and people saying “Dear spirits” as they solve a problem that no reader ever could have figured out on their own. Back in the early days of this series, the “Dear spirits” would usually come from the main character as he solved the book’s problem, making the world a great place once again until the next issue was released; however, all the tangled plot lines of the previous books now have to be cleaned up in a single book with Richard busy playing games, and therefore the other characters must be part of the problem solving team.

I will say that the imagery behind the Ja’la games was well done. I found myself cheering for Richard’s team kind of like I cheer for a historical movie: I know who’s going to win, and I know how they’ll win, but it’s exciting all the same.

Finally, the book ends. Everyone gets into the same room and Richard once again tricks the bad guy, just like in the first book. His ploy makes him something of a God, where he creates a world of Christians to carry on with their horrible and intolerant ways while he makes his world a magical paradise. Not terribly original, and somewhat quick in coming after an entire book that in no way leads up to this scenario, but still interesting in that “what if we all came from another world that is a magical paradise” sort of way.

When one reads a medical thriller written by a Harvard MD such as Dr. Robin Cook, one would expect that the story would be credible and in some ways realistic. Invasion, written in 1997, is neither. True, the book is a science fiction novel, which suggests that perhaps a certain element of fantasy may play a part; however, it is not with the fantasy that I find fault, but with the plot and several concepts of the work.

The story is a mix between the all too common “aliens infiltrated our world millions of years ago and are back from more” and “the population of the world unwittingly turns into zombies before a problem is realized” themes. With several books and movies sharing the themes, such as Cell: A Novel by Stephen King, 28 Weeks Later / 28 Days Later and the later created book by Steve Niles, I Am Legend by Richard Matheson and later as a movie starring Will Smith, some such as myself might be getting a little worn of the same old song. To give Dr. Cook credit, his book was published in 1997, meaning he can claim that he was one of the first in today’s time to write such a novel. I would give him that credit were his novel a bit more worthy of credit.

The premise of Invasion is simple, though it is made to seem much more convoluted due to Dr. Cook’s authentic use of medical terms. Basically, a race of super intelligent aliens came to Earth millions of years ago to inject a latent virus into the DNA sequence of Earth’s primitive creatures. Every few million years they come back, activating the virus with a protein delivered by a needle hidden in a little black disk. Creatures that are not fit to handle the virus are destroyed (such as the dinosaurs). Creatures who can handle the virus are cured in hours and join a hive-mind that is concerned about the rain forests. The “aliens” are simply the occurrence of the virus in a host, much like the Stephen King novel Dreamcatcher. Throughout the book, those who are too smart to touch these little black disks that sting people who do touch them try to figure out how to kill the virus.

Every few pages, there is an action sequence in which the protagonists run from the zombies, who grow in number and organization. Despite the millions of people who become zombies, including the President and all the members of his cabinet, all of them seem to be able to fit with room to spare into a 5 acre farm where they do work to create an inter-dimensional gateway. And all the while, no one, including the media, notices that everyone seems to be turning into rain-forest saving zombies.

Eventually the protagonists, losing every single lead they have, contact a man over the internet (a magical place where everyone has a screen name that is internet-wide), who turns out to have access to a complete U.S. military virology laboratory. There they find a vaccine very quickly, cure a soon-to-be zombie, and also find that the common cold drives the virus out of the victim in foamy goop from the eyes and mouth. They find a super-cold and drive it to the aforementioned farm, coughing the virus around and running over the bad guy who now looks like an alien. All of which happens in the last 20 pages or so of the novel.

It may sound interesting, but I’d rather you attribute that to my writing skills rather than the book itself. All in all, the “master of the medical thriller” should stick with the medicine and lose the aliens. There were simply too many parts of the book that either made little sense or carried on too long, and the ending seemed like an afterthought where the author got too tired to keep writing about the story.

For a good book mixing a world-wide plague with fantasy thrown in, I’d recommend The Stand: Expanded Edition by Stephen King. If you want to read a book about zombies, try I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It has one of those quick resolution endings as well, but has zombies throughout the entire book.