Before you read this review on The Invasion, read my review on Invasion by Dr. Robin Cook. Note the number of stars that Dr. Cook’s book received. Then come back here and take a guess what this movie will receive.

“But!” you may argue, “this is a movie with Nicole Kidman! And totally different.” Poppycock, I say.

This, like Invasion, was a bad adaptation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which in its time was an outstanding shock sci-fi film. Trying to make it more modern, whether you use modern medicine or Nicole Kidman, is an exercise in futility.

The movie also gets the “yuck” factor going, with the preferred method of passing the alien lifeform from host to host being vomit. Yes, vomit. In drinks, in many cases.

There were some interesting points, such as the scene with the person falling from the roof. Those who cried out were seen as normal humans. Those who showed no emotions were obviously part of the hive of vomit spewing infected.

But, just like Invasion by Dr. Robin Cook, the movie ends so abruptly it’s silly. Suddenly a cure is found, it’s spread all over by the world, and everyone smiles and forgets about the dead in the streets, the vomit they drank, etc.

Fin.

While I was watching O Brother, Where Art Thou? for the umpteenth time (what can I say, it’s a great movie), I couldn’t help but notice some resemblance between the campaigns of the movie and the campaigns of the 2008 Democratic primaries. In the movie, we have incumbent Governor Menelaus ‘Pappy’ O’Daniel (Charles Durning) against Gubernatorial Candidate Homer Stokes (Wayne Duvall), with Pappy being the hardline conservative and Stokes being the “sweep the state clean” progressive liberal.

In addition, we’ve got the three main characters, Ulysses Everett McGill (George Clooney), Pete (John Turturro), and Delmar O’Donnel (Tim Blake Nelson) as prison escapees, con artists, and adventurers, trying to outrun the devil, make some money, and seek a non-existent treasure.

In the midst of all this, we have some mighty fine quotes, which I’d like to place here, except I’ll be striking out names and placing modern political names instead to show you the similarities.

Ulysses Everett McGill Barack Obama: “Well, all right. If we take off through that bayou…”
Pete Hillary Clinton: “Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?”
Everett Barack Obama: “Well, Pete Hillary, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain’t the concensus view, then hell, let’s put it to a vote.”
Pete Hillary Clinton: “Suits me! I’m votin’ for yours truly.”
Everett Barack Obama: “Well, I’m votin’ for yours truly, too.”
Delmar John Edwards: “Okay, I’m with you fellas.”

Lawman Wolf Blitzer: “All right, boys.”
Everett John Edwards: “Uhh, how’s my hair?”

Pete Mitt Romney: “Well I’ll be a sonofabitch. Delmar’s Huckabee’s been saved.”
Delmar Mike Huckabee: “Well that’s it, boys. I’ve been redeemed. The preacher’s done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It’s the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting’s my reward.”
Everett John McCain: “Delmar, what are you talking about? We’ve got bigger fish to fry.”
Delmar Mike Huckabee: “The preacher said all my sins is warshed away, including that Piggly Wiggly I knocked over in Yazoo felon’s sentence I commuted for donations.”
Everett John McCain: “I thought you said you was innocent of those charges?”
Delmar Mike Huckabee: “Well I was lyin’. And the preacher said that that sin’s been warshed away too. Neither God nor man’s got nothin’ on me now. C’mon in boys, the water is fine.”

Junior O’Daniel (Del Pentecost) Bill Clinton: “Well, ain’t you gonna press the flesh, Pappy Hillary? Do a little politickin’?”
Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton: “I’ll press your flesh, you dimwhitted sumbitch. You don’t tell your pappy wife how to court the electorate. We ain’t one-at-a-timin’ here. We’re mass communicatin’!”

Delmar Howard Wolfson: “I just don’t think it’s right keeping him under wraps like we was ashamed of him.”
Everett Hillary Clinton: “Well, if it is Pete, I am ashamed of him. The way I see it, he got what he deserved. Fornicating with some whore of Babylon. These things don,t happen for no reason, Delmar Howard. It’s obviously some kind of judgement on Pete’s Bill’s character.”
Delmar Howard Wolfson: “Well, the two of us was fixin’ to fornicate.”

Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “We need a shot in the arm. You hear me boys? In the Goddamn arm! Election held tomorrow, that son of bitch Stokes Obama would win it in a walk!”
Junior O’Daniel Bill Clinton: “Well’ he’s the reform candidate, Daddy honey.”
Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “Yeah.”
Junior O’Daniel Bill Clinton: “A lot of people like that reform. Maybe we should get us some.”
Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “I’ll reform you, you soft-headed son of a bitch. How we gonna run reform when we’re the damn incumbent? Is that the best idea you boys can come up with? Reform?! Weepin’ jesus on the cross. That’s it! You may as well start drafting my concession speach right now.”
Pappy’s Staff Howard Wolfson: “Okay, Pappy Hillary.”
Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “I’m just making a point you stupid son of a bitch. Give me back that hat! Hurry up!”
Pappy’s Staff Howard Wolfson: “Pappy’s Hillary’s just makin’ a point.”
Pappy O”Daniel Hillary Clinton: “Shut up!”

Homer Stokes Barack Obama: “The great state of Mississippi USA can not afford four more years of Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton. Four more years of cronyism! Nepotism! Rascalism! Of service to the interests!”

Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “It’s a problem of…”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “Perception.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “That’s right.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “The reason he’s pullin’ our pants down.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “Gonna paddle a little behind.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “Ain’t gonna paddle it. Gonna kick it, real hard.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “No, I believe he’s gonna paddle it.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “I don’t believe that’s a proper description.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Howard Wolfson: “Well, that’s how I’d characterize it.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Mark Penn: “I believe it’s more of a kickin’ situation.”

Vernon T. Waldrip David Axelrod: “I can’t switch sides in the middle of a campaign. Especially to work for a man woman who lacks moral fiber.”
Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton: “Moral fiber? Why, you little pasty-face sumbitch. I invented moral fiber! Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton was displaying rectitude and high-mindedness when that egghead you work for was still messing his drawers!”

Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton: “Yeah, well, you’ll be laughing out the other side of your face come November.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Howard Wolfson: “Pappy O’Daniel Hillary Clinton will be laughing then.”
Pappy’s Staff 1 Mark Penn: “Not out the other side of his her face, though.”
Pappy’s Staff 2 Howard Wolfson: “Oh, no, no, no. Just the regular side.”

Please note, of course, that none of the above quotes are truly attributed to any real life personages; they are simply a parody on quotes from O Brother Where Art Thou and the perceived actions of people on the campaign trail. In a nutshell, it’s satire.

The Other Boleyn Girl is an adaptation of the infamous story of Henry VIII (I am, I am), his betrayal of Catherine of Eragon, and love affairs with Mary and Anne Boleyn. Unfortunately the plot itself is the best part of this movie and that is history, not screenwriting.

Natalie Portman plays Anne Boleyn, an ambitious, catty, and conniving daughter of a desperate man. Her sister Mary is played by Scarlett Johansson, a more innocent, better looking, and simple woman who unfortunately catches the King’s (Eric Bana) interest first. Her highly ambitious family, particularly her father played by Mark Rylance and the Duke of Norfolk played by David Morrissey (quite well actually), decides that she must become mistress to the King and bear him a son in order to lift their family into the good graces of the court. Unfortunately, Anne Boleyn is not happy about this, is exiled to France, and comes back with loads of knowledge regarding the art of backstabbing. She finds her sister nearly ready to give birth to Henry’s heir, and seduces him before the baby arrives.

That’s about a quarter to halfway through the movie. The rest of the movie is spent showing Anne Boleyn trying to get pregnant, a family scheming the sexual use of their daughters in such a way that would make the Womynist froth at the mouth, and a King who can’t decide who to get it on with next. Culminating, of course, in Anne asking her brother to have sex with her after losing the King’s child and their subsequent beheadings.

In the end I thought that Anne Boleyn got what was coming to her. I felt bad for Mary Boleyn due to the betrayals of both the King and her sister. And I felt bad for her brother George (played by Jim Sturgess from Across the Universe), who stood with his sisters the whole time, was asked to do something unthinkable, did not do it, and still lost his head. But then, I knew I would feel this way about them because again, this is history. Somewhat.

I’ll just say it like it is: the movie dragged on. To me it was more like a soap opera than a movie, and seemed to go from scene to scene without resolving or doing much. Each scene felt very predictable, and the passage of time was shown rather badly; years go by between some scenes, yet the characters do not develop at all. Intuition of course tells us that a baby takes months to be born, not minutes, yet the movie makes us feel like it was a one day affair instead of depicting the transition properly.

As a soap opera it was outstanding. As an epic it falls short tremendously. As far as historical movies go it was fair, but mostly because the plotline is a no-brainer: sex, lies, beheadings. How can one go wrong?

Dear lord. The only thing worse than a family play group is one from some pretentious, conservative, religious school. Like the one I encountered at my local chicken fast food restaurant. I was like an atheist deer caught in a god-fearing headlight; believe me, there was enough holy water thrown at me to clean my paintball gun (and legally, I’m not confessing to anything in that statement). With floor length skirts and turtle necks abound, I thought for a moment that I might be watching the new season of Big Love. Which I’ve been waiting for forever since the strike. Surprised I frequent a series about men marrying multiple womyn? Me too, but there is something quite satisfactory about watching three womyn, who are obviously lesbians, use a man under wifely pretenses. And I have much love for HBO. Big love.

But I digress. Times like these actually make me want to have kids, but just so that mine can corrupt the goody, impulse-suppressed spawns that I saw at this establishment. Thinking about this was all I could do not to regurgitate my waffle fries, for the adult-sized crocks and overuse of the names Elijah and David were too much for me to handle. “Mommy’s right here!” they take turn yelling in dramatized, high-pitched, soothing voices, “are you ok?” Here’s some info: your children’s ears haven’t developed enough for frequencies so high. Just go get your kids. And sit. And where’s your husband to reprimand you for wearing your khaki pants below your belly-button?

I would much rather watch Big Love on HBO. Why, oh why do I go out in public places like this? It must be punishment for trusting that the public is becoming more educated on the realities of living in a socially-stinted world. I would much rather watch bickering wives and the ever-turbulent, but oh so entertaining, fighting compound crazies in the safety of my own home. The best part, other than the fact that the second season is just as good as the first season, is that it is make believe. The scene that I described above, is so polygamist satire I couldn’t believe it. But on the television, you can pretend that all of the real people, who are similarly disillusioned and stuck in the past, are make believe too. And you can turn it off when you have seen too many cardigan sweaters for your own good. Bad womanyst you may think I am, but who doesn’t love to see just how ridiculous the institution of marriage really is? You’re right Common Organic, there are many toxins out there.

Oh my goodness. Do you know what I got when I got my new Betz White book? Warm Fuzzies; both metaphorically, because this book is the best, and literally. Warm Fuzzies is one of the coolest new books I have seen (other than Crafter Culture of course). First of all, Betz White is a really cool chick. You should surely check out her blog, of which I regularly stalk along with my early morning coffee and blog-reading ritual. She is witty, up-beat, and eternally carefree as she moves along in her busy life of kids, business, and artfulness. To prove how artful this book is, I have even thought about our other wonderful critics, and thought I might offer some of you some inspiration to find peace and get crafty through the world of feltyness:

• Granola girl - You will be happy to know that these projects are encouraged to come from recycled materials, such as old wool sweaters. What better way to help the cause of clean food than to reduce waste?
• Womanyst - The basic instructions on felt constructions could surely be applied to a nice felted set of ovaries or other female-specific genitalia
• Mr. Kriticle - I think you would be pleased by the organized implementation of each project.
• Tech nerd - You would just love the possibilities of many tech gadget cozies made of felt. LOL, LMAO, TTYL.
• Mad Critic - Hmmm…there is something very sinisterly pleasing about my mental pictures of you meticulously hand-sewing a bed for your beloved Westminster acclaimed canine, while subsequently cussing at your thread in Latin.
• Pornstar - Every great girl needs a great bag, you should try one of the adorable totes. Take a little time out for yourself and sew.

I plan on making one of the super-easy pins first to get used to the felt technique, and you just know I’ll have to make a cute bag for my little girl next. In fact, instead of using a sewing machine, most of the projects are diverse enough that you could hand sew instead of using the machine and let the kiddies get in there to make their very own hat, gloves, or purse. This F+W publisher isn’t too bad either. After doing some digging on publishing a craft book (wouldn’t this be the ultimate for an artist? A girl can dream…), I found some of their other books. Here are a few that caught my eye:

• The Art of Personal Imagery: Expressing Your Life Through Collage - After all, the whole point of art is to have time to look within and be uninhibited in expression
• Nuno Nouveau: Fashionable Felt for Accessories and Home Decor – Though I haven’t gotten my hands on it yet, I hear Nuno felt is the cool new fiber art. I first heard about it on one of the first blogs that I stalked, Heal My Life. The author of this blog used these techniques to make awesome bags, but I have seen beautiful scarves and such too!
• Kaleidoscope: Ideas And Projects to Spark Your Creativity – Another one I have seen on several crafty-art blogs! Great price, and another way to delve into the artful person who resides inside of you.