Big Love (HBO)

Dear lord. The only thing worse than a family play group is one from some pretentious, conservative, religious school. Like the one I encountered at my local chicken fast food restaurant. I was like an atheist deer caught in a god-fearing headlight; believe me, there was enough holy water thrown at me to clean my paintball gun (and legally, I’m not confessing to anything in that statement). With floor length skirts and turtle necks abound, I thought for a moment that I might be watching the new season of Big Love. Which I’ve been waiting for forever since the strike. Surprised I frequent a series about men marrying multiple womyn? Me too, but there is something quite satisfactory about watching three womyn, who are obviously lesbians, use a man under wifely pretenses. And I have much love for HBO. Big love.

But I digress. Times like these actually make me want to have kids, but just so that mine can corrupt the goody, impulse-suppressed spawns that I saw at this establishment. Thinking about this was all I could do not to regurgitate my waffle fries, for the adult-sized crocks and overuse of the names Elijah and David were too much for me to handle. “Mommy’s right here!” they take turn yelling in dramatized, high-pitched, soothing voices, “are you ok?” Here’s some info: your children’s ears haven’t developed enough for frequencies so high. Just go get your kids. And sit. And where’s your husband to reprimand you for wearing your khaki pants below your belly-button?

I would much rather watch Big Love on HBO. Why, oh why do I go out in public places like this? It must be punishment for trusting that the public is becoming more educated on the realities of living in a socially-stinted world. I would much rather watch bickering wives and the ever-turbulent, but oh so entertaining, fighting compound crazies in the safety of my own home. The best part, other than the fact that the second season is just as good as the first season, is that it is make believe. The scene that I described above, is so polygamist satire I couldn’t believe it. But on the television, you can pretend that all of the real people, who are similarly disillusioned and stuck in the past, are make believe too. And you can turn it off when you have seen too many cardigan sweaters for your own good. Bad womanyst you may think I am, but who doesn’t love to see just how ridiculous the institution of marriage really is? You’re right Common Organic, there are many toxins out there.